You are my more.

You are my more….Those are the words my boyfriend told me on November 10th. What do you do when you have met a wonderful person and want to be with them night and day? You want to spend the rest of your life with them but are too scared to verbalize it because of this irrational fear of being rejected?

When he spoke this words to me, something in me melted. I felt this deep well of emotion and a wave of love for this man. He wants me because he just wants ME. Not my body or the sex or the prestige but just me. Do you know how it feels to just be loved for who you are? Not for your body, looks, sex, upbringing, money or reputation? Just because you are who you are.

I’ve had this self doubt for a long time because I wonder if I deserve this type of love. He gives me this unfiltered, unrestrained, pure and untainted, selfless love. I have low self esteem from my upbringing and then again from my ex-husband who continuously tore me down on a daily basis.

Now, I have this amazing man in my life who just consumes my thoughts. I was speaking to my friend about it earlier today who is single and looking to date again. She met an older man in his 50’s and she thought it was a “what the hell moment” and thought she would give it a chance. I told her that you never know who you might meet and be attracted to.

My boyfriend is not at all the typical guy who I was dating. I was used to dating the very good looking and in shape kind of guys who could grace the cover of GQ. They had six packs and worked out daily and had very nice bodies with the douchebag personality to go with it. I also typically dated white guys and my boyfriend is Asian. The first Asian man I’ve ever dated and it was quite the transition for me at first.

I finally decided to give nice guys a chance again and met this guy who was very intelligent, smart, witty, thoughtful, considerate, and caring. He also has polio and has a slight physical disability from it but that doesn’t bother me in the least. I have fallen in love with him as a person; I love his personality, his character, his moral foundation, and his caring and loving personality. I feel like I’ve found the missing link and I feel so fulfilled right now. The only obstacle I have at this point is fear.

I fear that I am falling in love too quickly and that this is going to crash and burn. I’ve put myself out there and I have a lot at stake because I’ve given this man my heart; I’ve introduced him to my son; I’ve made him a part of my life and it scares the shit out of me that I’ve made myself so vulnerable. What if I get hurt again? What if I am making a mistake and have introduced a man into my son’s life and he ends up leaving me?

He told me last night that I am his more. That I am what he has always wanted and he wants to be a better person because of me. He had a rough day at work and he is very career oriented. He said in the past he would have been devastated by the comment the sales director made about his presentation he delivered at this new hire training class.

Instead, he said he thought about what we had and how special it was and realized that there was so much more to life than just his job. I’ve made him realize that work is just work but if you don’t have anyone to share it with then it can all be for nothing. I made the comment that you can be a successful CEO and have all this money and prestige but if you don’t have anyone to share it with then it doesn’t matter.

How do you get over being scared of getting hurt again? I love this man so much and yet I’m afraid to let him in completely. These walls I’ve built around my heart are crumbling and are just about demolished but I still have a hard time completely expressing my love. What do you do when you love someone so much yet still have an irrational fear of being rejected?